My Farm Fall Photo Gallery and that I made it to November!

Nov 12 2018
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Fall Photo Gallery. My farm falling into autumn and just the fact that I made it to November of 2018! I learned a lot of things over the last twelve months of my life. #1: If you want a job done right and on time tell a woman she can’t do it. #2: Its ok to be totally unreasonable and sometimes it is absolutely necessary. And #3: I also learned that the people who truly love us already forgive us for doing whatever it is we need to do to heal.

I kicked my ex out in November and was finally, officially, legally free of him on December 15th 2017. It was a VERY long winter so when spring finally rolled around I promised myself a few things just for me, just for the summer of 2018.

Permission for the following (in a high anxiety people-pleaser like me) was only possible after I had been the only person in a relationship trying to hold a marriage together. I had done nothing for myself for years – emotionally I was just destroyed.

1. You get to say NO. Whenever you want. Without explanation. And with absolutely no regret even if you don’t even know why you’re saying NO.

2. You get to say YES. Whenever you want. Without explanation. And with absolutely no regret even if you don’t even know why you’re saying YES.

3. You get to sit there (or lay there) for as long as you want without regret and without needing to do anything besides breathe.

4. You get to work too hard and for too long until you collapse. Without regret and without explanation.

5. Yes you get to go absolutely crazy and wake up on your kitchen floor as many times as you need to.

You get to do ALL of this but only if you promise to get yourself to November in ONE PIECE.

I gave myself permission to first consider myself before deciding on something and it seemed like a great idea!

However, the reality of executing it was very different.

It was a couple of months in when my best friend Rachie grabbed me by the shoulders and flat out YELLED at me for the 5 millionth time to, “Stop apologizing!”

She took hold of the mess that I was and said, “I LOVE YOU. Its OK. Whatever you need to do Honey is OK! STOP APOLOGIZING!!!”

So then I stopped apologizing out loud (cause I didn’t want to get yelled at again and I really wanted to apologize for apologizing) And, at first, I had to catch myself – but I got better at it.

A couple more months in and I realized that something amazing had happened: I had stopped apologizing internally as well.

I stopped regretting and plain old feeling like an awkward piece of crap who was a burden to everyone around me all together. Somewhere along the line I became a woman who was good enough even to me.

(Like most women who were betrayed and lied to in their relationship I cannot believe I allowed it to happen to me. Nor can I believe how anyone can destroy another person’s self esteem so completely. But, of course, none of that is the point. The point is to have patience with ourselves and allow ourselves the freedom to take as much time as we need.)

What started as an attempt to heal became my way of life. A list of “permissions” that I gave myself for just a few months turned into my new foundation.

The simple act of reclaiming everything in my life and my home and making it all good for me again was the biggest key to my healing. Grandma’s house saved me yet again.

Of course I am still scared of many things lol terrifying does not begin to describe one very specific front.

Letting someone in again.

Letting someone hold my hand and hug me and comfort me. Trusting someone again after having been betrayed so thoroughly. Just the thought of it makes me feel like a horse ready to bolt!

So I am adding two more things to my list of permissions.

6. You get to be afraid. Whenever you want. Without explanation. And with absolutely no regret even if you don’t even know why you’re scared.

7. You get to not worry about tomorrow or what might happen or what could happen and just enjoy the moment.

Because I think being afraid is human and I’m also beginning to realize that the things that scare the absolute crap out of me are sometimes the cliffs worth leaping off of.

Fall has come and gone from my little northern farm in Minnesota. My dirt roads were my haven for a little while before the weather really turned.

My horses have become all chubby and hairy and happy with the cool weather. The leaves fell and reminded me, once again, how beautiful it is to let the dead things go.

How beautiful bon fires are on cold nights.

How beautiful it is to have someone who wants to hold my hand.

How beautiful it is to have parties and family gatherings at my home like I always wanted.

How beautiful my best friend is and my aunt and my mom – who all finally convinced me that its great to have our shit together but its OK to wake up on our kitchen floors too.

Spiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the coldSpiked cider a Bon fire and Someone to Cuddle with: Fall Photo Gallery. Autmun has descended on my farm in northern Minnesota, good company for the cold

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20 Comments

  1. Kathy from CT
    November 12, 2018 at 8:35 am

    This is so very timely — it’s like you knew I needed this reassurance. Being betrayed & lied to in a relationship doesn’t always mean a spouse or significant other. In my case it was my MIL & SILs. I had to remember & remind my husband that every one of us has the right to cut out of our lives the people who only bring stress & negativity into it. Even if those people are family. I truly do not think anyone is born to be someone else’s doormat or mental punching bag.

    Thank you for your post. You’re my angel today telling me that I matter, too. I am so proud of you for finding the courage to move forward & sharing your journey with us. You are an inspiration. Hugs to you…..

    • November 13, 2018 at 12:18 pm

      Hi Kathy, I’m so sorry for what you’re going though. I too have had to simply walk away for a family member though I will always love them we cannot allow them to continue fracturing us. Life is just too dang short! And I am reminded often that there are 7 billion people on this planet if we allow just one of them to ruin our peace than that just seems so silly.
      *hugs* I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

  2. Jane
    November 12, 2018 at 11:10 am

    I enjoy your blog and the DIY projects. I have share this with others so they could find hope and find themselves also. You have come so far and it has been a process and you have done a wonderful job finding you again. Sometimes dreams diminish when all we hear is the negativity of one’s voice expounding upon our thoughts to control and manipulate us to make themselves feel better and feel they have accomplished something. The ability to tear another human to shreds is wrong but to see the beautiful butterfly that escapes is a magnificent transformation in a new life in which you have taken control, congratulation! I know it came with a lot of self sacrifices and hard work but you have conquered your November and shown others they can become butterflies! May you continue to soar with the eagles and may the good Lord bless you with someone who will cherish you and all that you are.

    • November 13, 2018 at 12:19 pm

      Thank you Jane for your lovely comment and thoughts. This was a remarkable year for me, I feel almost like I have whip lash and definitely hit every high and the every low imaginable. But just getting here, it feels like anything is possible now.
      I hope you have a wonderful holiday! *hugs*

  3. November 13, 2018 at 3:06 am

    What a nice post…… and congratulations to getting to the end of the first year with SO MUCH achieved! May this winter bring you more joy than last, and may you continue to discover things about yourself that surprise even you! Enjoy the holidays, I am looking forward to more of your blog! x

    • November 13, 2018 at 10:44 am

      Thank you so much Susan, I hope you have a wonderful winter and holidays as well!!

  4. November 16, 2018 at 4:51 pm

    Tarah, my grandpa would’ve said you’ve got gumption, my dad would’ve said you’re a stroooonnng woman! I think your second year is going to be a lot easier than the first. Here’s hoping.

    • November 19, 2018 at 10:20 am

      Oh thank you so much Jean! I am definitely looking forward to a far easier year next year!

  5. Pat M.
    November 18, 2018 at 11:22 am

    Thank you for being an inspiration to those struggling with personal issues. Time takes care of a lot of heartache and the wounds eventually heal.

    Thank you also for the wonderful photos of your farm. We usually see up-close shots and we get an entirely different perspective on your home and life when you show us wide and expansive views. Land itself is healing, as are the reminders that seasons turn into seasons and if we’re lucky, we turn right along with them.

    • November 19, 2018 at 10:25 am

      Pat you are so right that land and places can help heal us! Being able to transform this home and the grounds to better serve both me and my horses have been wonderful for my heart. Thank you so much for coming by! *hugs*

  6. Marilyn
    November 18, 2018 at 11:39 am

    I started reading this blog for the DIY home component in the midwest. I feel it has morphed into a more personal and revealing/honest statement of you, Tarah. I think most blogs typically are about the PERSON underneath the TOPIC and that authenticity is what makes us continue to read. While the TOPICs have contributed to your healing, it takes a certain courage to be so vulnerable for readers. I commend you for that courage and honesty, and feel happy for you, reaching your mark.

    • November 19, 2018 at 10:26 am

      Oh thank you so much Marilyn! *hugs* have a wonderful holiday!

  7. Toi
    November 18, 2018 at 1:07 pm

    Hi Taralynn! I really enjoyed reading your blog today (as usual!). Question – I get your blogs on Sundays (today is November 18th) but I see it was written on November 12th, with comments also on the 12th. It looks like I’m getting it a week “late.” Is there a way to get it earlier?
    Thanks very much!
    Best wishes-
    Toni

    • November 18, 2018 at 3:34 pm

      Hi Toi thanks so much for following along! You actually just confirmed something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. I would prefer my newsletter subscribers get my main weekly post when it first comes out but because my post schedule is that it comes out Monday morning my subscribers don’t get to see it until 6 days later. I think sticking with Sundays for my newsletter day is best so soon I’ll be making the change that my Monday morning posts start coming out on Sunday mornings, so you’ll be the first to see it!
      Thanks again!

  8. Penny
    November 18, 2018 at 7:09 pm

    Hi Tarah — I’m so glad you’re getting your life back in order. Had no doubts you
    would.

    I sent you a comment after one of your ‘outhouse’ stories. Not sure you got it.

    I’d like to give you a replica 1908 Sears, Roebuck Catalog for your new/old outhouse.
    No strings attached. It would be perfect for in there. If you’re interested, please
    give me a mailing address and I’ll send it to you.

    Hope to hear from you. Thanks.

    Penny

  9. Stacey
    November 19, 2018 at 1:47 pm

    Hi Tarah. I just wanted to say how incredibly proud I am of you for figuring all of these things out. I think giving ourselves permission is one of the hardest things we will ever do, if we ever learn to do it at all. I feel beyond lucky to have gotten to go along with you on your journey and have stood beside you cheering you on every step of the way. Please know that you have made such a difference in at least one life just by being you and by accepting yourself as you are. Take care! Stacey

    • November 19, 2018 at 3:41 pm

      Oh Stacey, you made my heart so glad, thank you so much for commenting and coming by. None of these subjects are easy but I’ve found so much support and so many friendships here on the blog, you all have certainly had a hand in helping me heal and find myself again. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  10. LINDA MARTIN
    November 20, 2018 at 12:17 pm

    Congrats on getting thru your first year of enlightenment! Having been married 3 times myself, I know some of what your going through. You are a capable woman who will go far IMO. 😊
    My hubby left Minnesota 46 years ago this month to head to sunny Arizona thankfully. There will be plenty of chances for you to meet the love of your life, but take my advice and enjoy this “ME” time a while longer. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and stay warm. Thanks so much for posting your pics of the Fall foliage since we don’t see that very often here! 😍
    Adios

    • November 20, 2018 at 2:30 pm

      Thank you Linda! And you are SO right, this “me time” has been just remarkable for figuring out not just what I want but for finding myself in where I also want to be in life.
      Unfortunately we didn’t see a whole lot of fall this year lol our first snow was in late September but we did still get a few nice days and some nice leaf color changes! Thanks again so much for coming by and commenting!

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Iris Nacole

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