November 2025 – Many things to be Thankful for

November 2025 – I can’t tell you how relieved I am to put the last blog post behind me that I wrote before Lodi was arrested. I hit the ground running now that he’s permanently gone and have made some incredible changes to my home that I can’t wait to show you guys. I always thought that keeping so busy might have been unhealthy, like a way of avoiding my feelings. But I remembered that old saying: They headed to their kitchens when they heard of his passing. And, when I looked it up, the author meant it as that working with their hands was their way of processing through their feelings, not avoiding them. And that is most definitely what I am doing.

Sitting around, rotting, panicking about the future, getting into my own head, reliving past abuse over and over and over again, letting myself curl up in my bed on the excuse of “healing” was not sustainable forever. (Though of course there was a lot of that.) Reminders of my trauma every day in my own home was terrible for my mental health. Fixing the damage he did to the walls, to the floors, to the furniture, feels like I’m healing my home and the work is helping me heal too.

I have eliminated all spaces in this home and on this property that were “his” here. Leaving them empty had disgustingly felt like they were waiting for him. Reclaiming them as mine felt like an act of defiance and my gosh did it feel good.

So the last two months went by in a blur of activity for me.

It is amazing to have family and friends in my life again. I talk to everyone daily now. My dad stops by all the time along with many of my nephews and my best friend. They had become wary to ever come around as they knew I would pay for it if they upset Lodi. The EXTENT of how badly I would pay though they only suspected until the end.

I withdrew from all of them because I had bruises to hide, I was so ashamed and embarrassed, and lying to them was one of the worst things I have ever done. Its been awesome getting to share my home with them again. I had built Grandma’s house to be an always open safe place for anyone that I love… apparently I forgot to include myself on that list.

(I had them all over for a family fun day this last summer. Lodi punched me for the last time right after that. I hadn’t asked for his permission. I had just informed him when it was happening. Lodi didn’t show up, just like he didn’t show for my uncle’s funeral. He told me, “You didn’t want me there anyway.” What he meant was, “You won’t be giving me all of your attention and you’ll pay for it.” Imagine the kind of person who won’t even support their spouse at the funeral of one of their loved ones. Thinking of the thousands of times I lied and covered for him makes me want to vomit.)

I’ve filled my hours at my day job and working on my house and it certainly made the time go. The work left me a bit awe struck in the sudden quiet of my hugely changed life and home. They are all awesome changes and it is a wonderful quiet.

I was granted my restraining order on October 29th. It is illegal for Lodi to come within 500 feet of me, my home or my job. It is also illegal for him to contact me in any way (even through a third party) and the order is good for two years.

It is just a piece of paper but I know Lodi is the only person that he actually loves. He won’t risk himself.

When they let him out of jail Lodi stopped in town just long enough to clear out all of our bank accounts and then he left the state. (I will never share a bank account with someone else again. Turns out he had a separate bank account this entire time that he kept hidden from me.)

I have motion activated cameras covering my garage and all of my exterior house doors. The little ding my phone chimes when they catch anything is really comforting. (And hilarious when its a squirrel.) These are the cameras I installed and I am super impressed with them. I bought the yearly storage plan too for $100 and that keeps all recordings for 60 days.

November 2025, my income qualified me for a divorce attorney but it will be the new year before he is available. They only drop what they’re doing in emergency cases such as my restraining order due to domestic violence. They put me through a very thorough and horrific questionnaire to determine just how badly I was in danger.

I sat in my car in the parking lot at my job, answering each question with yes or no.

Has the physical violence increased in severity or frequency over the past year? YES
Does he own a gun? YES
Have you left him after living together during the past year? YES
Has he ever used a weapon against you or threatened you with a lethal weapon? YES
Has he threatened to kill you? YES
Has ever damaged your home, such as punching a wall, or any of your furniture? YES
Has he ever coerced or forced you to have sex with him when you did not wish to? YES
Has he ever choked you? YES
Has he ever choked you to point where you lost consciousness? YES
Is he an alcoholic or problem drinker? YES
Has he ever threatened or tried to commit suicide? YES
Do you believe he is capable of killing you? YES
Does he follow or spy on you, leave threatening message on text or voicemail, call or contact you when you don’t want him to? YES

I was considered at the highest risk of personal harm, major injury or death. I had a panic attack during the interview. I knew it was bad but it all spelled out like that in black and white – it just hit me like a freight train. And the help that rushed to me left me speechless, the victims advocates at the courthouse, the battered women’s shelter, the sheriff’s office, my lawyer at Legal Services of Northwest Minnesota.

And, of course, my family.

(Your vows were: Til death do you part. They were not: Until your husband beats you to death.) My emotions took a break in the relief of getting the restraining order. The sudden peace was wonderful.

I mentioned in my last blog post that Lodi abandoned his dog and I felt terrible for little Link.

But Link is doing better now then he ever has.

November 2025, he’s happier, more relaxed and coming for cuddles and play for the first time ever. He bounces around when I come home and we do a little tap dance together. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me. Lodi was unpredictable, manic, loud and often physically violent.

Pretty much the worst presence possible around any animal.

Link used to run and hide when Lodi or anyone besides me came in the door. He doesn’t do that anymore. In fact, Link has begun greeting people with a happy bark.

I guess its obvious.

Lodi’s presence was traumatic for Link too. Though Lodi never got ahold of the dog to physically hurt him due to Link hiding or running outside. Even now, if he gets nervous, Link is either hiding in my bed or sitting inches from the doggie door ready to bolt.

The habits we formed to survive for years won’t disappear in a day.

Not for either of us.

But its getting better. Eliminating Lodi’s spaces from this home and every day that he isn’t here proves to both of us a little bit more that we never need to worry about him again.

The relief of getting the restraining order in place let me forget about everything for awhile and just live. Work on my home, go to my day job, cuddle with Link, spend time with my family…

But this isn’t over yet.

I have the divorce looming now. Lodi always said he would make sure I would lose my home whether in a divorce or him just burning it down. I agreed to the state dropping the domestic abuse charge if Lodi would agree to the restraining order without my having to appear in front of a judge to convince them I needed it.

I’m wondering if I made the right choice now.

If there is any justice in this world then Lodi would be serving years for the amount of times he punched me, slapped me, strangled me, ripped out my hair, threw me on the ground… But do I really care beyond just that he deserves it?

Do I care at all what happens to him?

As long as it has nothing to do with me the answer is: NOT AT ALL.

After so many years of my entire life revolving around whatever he wanted. So much worry, fear, anxiety, so many days ruined. So much time holding my breath, waiting for him to show up to find out what I was in for. Dropping everything instantly for him whenever he said so. My job. My friends. My family. My hobbies. If I didn’t, then of course, I couldn’t possibly love him.

Even working on my house became whatever it was HE wanted to be doing here. I can look at the past few years of blog posts and all of my plans and dreams just dwindled with him. It took years for me to stand up for myself, stop paying, agreeing to or working toward whatever he thought should happen. This year I stood my ground and built my garden.

If I didn’t text back instantly, even if I was at work, then I must not love him. If I wasn’t willing to talk to him on the phone the minute I woke up until I was at work, then I must not like him. I started lying about working late so he wouldn’t call me the instant I got off of work.

The beginning of the end of our relationship (and my poor face) is exactly what you would expect. I started enforcing boundaries and he started closing his fist when he hit me. No more texting me at work – or I blocked him. No more calling me in the morning – or I blocked him. In fact no more calling me at all unless it was an emergency. I stopped answering the phone. And then, of course, he was always having emergencies and I obviously didn’t care about him and wasn’t supportive and didn’t love him.

Once I started enforcing the phone boundaries his favorite thing to scream at me was, “Fine I just won’t talk to you at all!” Because if he wasn’t harassing me at work and risking my job then apparently then there was no reason to speak to me.

I would get a couple days of peace and then the Lodi Show would start all over again. He’d take me out, wine and dine me, try to “force” me a nice time and drink way too much. (And drive every time of course.) Then if he hit me that night it was, as always, my fault because I needed to quit drinking.

When I found out the tremendous amount of awful things he was saying behind my back to his friends he told me he cut his friends off and didn’t even talk to them anymore. I guess because bashing your wife is the only topic of conversation?

I started sleeping in a different room because he refused to let me sleep. He would CONSTANTLY wake me up. His answer, “Fine, I’ll never touch you again!” Because apparently the only time you can touch your wife is intentionally to wake her up?

So, do I care at all what happens to him?

As long as it has nothing to do with me the answer is: NOT AT ALL.

To realize that I actually just don’t care is… Amazing. Turns out I stopped caring a long long time ago and to not have to worry about it anymore feels like being set free. My lawyer gave me a very stern talking to, “What is your end goal here?”

The answer was so simple: To feel safe again.

Lodi deserved to do serious time for his abuse but what I deserve is peace.

To be able to move on with my life and put these years behind me. The restraining order has given me the security I needed and he will still be charged with a DWI.

And Lodi is already getting the worst punishment that I can imagine.

He has to live with himself for the rest of his life.

I’d like to say I pity his family members and his adult children but they all deserve each other.

I do feel bad for his new girlfriend though. Turns out they were together even before his arrest when he was still with me so maybe he really will just move on. I wonder if she knows he was arrested for punching me just a few weeks before he took her on vacation or the fact that he’s traveling, going to concerts and wining and dining her on the money he stole from me.

Its embarrassing I’m still surprised by how ugly a person he is. I guess a wife beater having no shame shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.

November 2025, I almost didn’t go to my extended family’s Thanksgiving… I didn’t want to explain anything, to talk about any of this. All of my cousins, aunts and uncles love me, they would only be asking out of concern…

But I also couldn’t miss anything else because of Lodi.

I couldn’t miss yet another chance to see people I love because the bruises were too bad to hide and I couldn’t bare to lie straight to their faces. No more lies. No more covering for him to prove how loyal I was, how much I loved him, how good of a wife I was.

So I went to my extended families Thanksgiving.

And they hugged me and told me how glad they were to see me. The unspoken undertone of how relieved they were that I was ok… that I was alive… was a lot. I’ve never had so many people so happy to see me at once. (This is a small town, when someone gets arrested for beating their spouse pretty much everyone knows immediately. The officer I gave my statement to and took pictures of my face went to school with members of my family.)

There were tears but many were from laughing until we cried because that’s just what happens when we’re all together.

I try not to think of how much I missed because of him.

I can’t go back but I can be sure that never happens again.

Last years Thanksgiving my Uncle Gary wasn’t able to make it as he was sick with what we all thought was whupping cough. That night in the ER his x-rays showed some terrifying things and we lost him just a few weeks later.

I went to this Thanksgiving for him too.

Uncle Gary loved it when we could all be together. He would have told me that there was no excuse to not be with family while we still can. And just a couple days after that I met all of my immediate family for another Thanksgiving. This November I got to hug every single person that I love in this whole world. (Except for you Joshua my nephew who is in Africa! Virtual Hug!)

My family reminded me about what really matters.

I am alive. I am safe. Lodi will never get to touch me again. This fear that I’ve been carrying for so long, this ugly gift from him, I’m just going to throw that away now.

There is so much to be thankful for.